As Mother's Day approaches, I never know how I will feel. It is hard being a motherless child. No matter the age or the relationship, you long to tell her just one more thing. It has been 3,081 days and I miss her terribly. Sometimes it feels just like Day 1, but I make it through. I never really felt anger about her death because I knew she was tired. I don't get angry around Mother's Day when I see other people with their mother. I can usually celebrate Mother's Day with my family and friends and with their mothers because instead of feeling sad, I choose to be grateful. I am grateful that my friends have their mothers and don't have to feel the pain of missing her, like I do. I am happy when my friends can celebrate their mothers with a special dinner or a special gift because that means one more year that they don't know this pain, and for that I am grateful. I don't want to deprive my daughter of the opportunity to celebrate and make memories. I don't want people to tip toe around me on Mother's Day and I just allow myself to feel what I feel. I'm not going to isolate myself to avoid seeing people with their mother.
When I think about my mother, I feel HONORED. HONORED that she was my mother. HONORED to have loved her just for who she was and HONORED to have had her teachings. HONORED to have inherited the absolute best parts of her; her love for people, her giving spirit, her FAITH, and her dedication. HONORED to have witnessed her STRENGTH. HONORED to have learned how to SURVIVE from her. I'm HONORED to have her smile, her wit, her grace. HONORED to have experienced her firm hand, her no nonsense attitude, and her actions speak louder than words personality. HONORED to have been able to hold her hand as she took that very LAST, really DEEP BREATH. HONORED, to have watched her journey with God in her final hours and be there when she took His hand. I am HONORED to be the youngest child of Geneva Jones Strider. The one who doesn't hold her tongue but feels deeply. What she gave to me, i carry with me every day. Her presence is missed, but I feel her in my heart ALWAYS.
Grief is complicated. If you haven't been through it up close and personal, you can't understand it. No matter how strong, how focused, or how determined you are, it grabs you. Some days it feels like it has you by the jugular, others just by the heart, and others it just slowly walks by your side. No matter how hard you try to tell it to turn you loose, it holds on. This year my birthday is on the Saturday before Mother's Day. Just like it was in 1968. I was literally her Mother's Day gift that year. I shed a few tears the other day, but these tears were not because she died, they were because she LIVED. She lived a life with a story. She taught an awesome lesson. Her expectations were high, her heart was big.
So, for my friends who have recently lost a parent or a child or who are still struggling with their loss... It's OK. Miss them but keep living for them. Your momma would want that for you. My promise to my momma is that I'm going to live my life BOLDLY! On PURPOSE! Out LOUD! Any other way would be dishonoring her.